Depression Sucks and Other Lessons

I've been meaning to write about this for a while.  I was diagnosed with depression in 2008.  I didn't understand it, and never really had it explained to me before I was blind-sided by it.  I've learned a lot since then, and I'm thinking it might be time to write it all down, hopefully it might be helpful to someone.

Lesson #1: Depression Sucks.

It sucks the joy out of everything good, and amplifies the misery in everything else.  It shifts the spectrum of how you feel about things downward.

Got a good grade on a test?  Best case scenario with depression is that you won't feel anything (the normal reaction for something nominal, like taking a shower).  Worst case, you feel guilty and miserable because you ruined the curve for everyone else, or any number of other illogical negative thoughts.

Slightly late for work?  Yikes, that's mildly negative!  Now all you will be able to think about is being a failure to everyone you ever cared about, and how you're a worthless human being.  Since this is the normal reaction you would get for doing something horrifying, like running over an old lady... on purpose... it's safe to say something not normal is going on.

This shift holds true for everything.  Things that used to make you feel good, now make you feel nothing. Things that made you feel average now make you feel bad.  Bad things make you feel catastrophic.  Catastrophic things now make you suicidal (which isn't a normal reaction to anything, and is quite scary the first time).  Happiness becomes like a drug, and (like an addict) you start searching for anything that gives you a small bit of joy, and the rest of your life just feels like withdrawal symptoms.  It sucks.

Lesson #2: Depression is a Physical Illness of the Brain, with Mental and Emotional Symptoms

Make no mistake, depression is a disease of the brain.  It has nothing to do with your character, commitments, or lack thereof.  Its causes are physical, but the symptoms are mental and emotional.  I'm not a doctor, but I've met with a lot of them- here's how it was best explained to me in the simplest possible terms (I apologize to my neuroscience friends in advance for the following explanation):

Your brain is just a bunch of special cells- neurons and dendrites.  Neurons act like gateways for electrical impulses that tell your body and brain to do things (like a switch). Dendrites are like the wires connecting the switches, and together they make synapses (pathways).  These pathways let you learn different things, and the better the path, the better you've learned something.

Certain chemicals help these pathways work properly, especially the ones that trigger feelings of joy.  Get an A on a test, you get the chemical that triggers the happy feelings.  Go on a date with that special someone?  Bam, joy chemicals.  Depression is simply a lack of enough of these chemicals where they are supposed to be.  You do the activity, but the joy part doesn't get activated, or barely gets activated.  A physical problem that causes a mental and emotional response.

Lesson #3: Depression is Treatable.



If you are depressed, you are not doomed.  In the iconic words of Oscar Goldman:

Gentlemen, we can rebuild him. We have the technology.

Just as you would any other chronic condition, Depression needs to be attacked on several fronts to be successful.  Here's what worked for me:

A.  Careful use of prescription SSRI's with careful monitoring from a Medical Doctor.  SSRI stands for Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitor.  It blocks the joy chemical (Seratonin) in your brain from being snatched up after a neuron fires, meaning the brain's supply of Serotonin doesn't disappear as fast.  Be careful with these.  They mess with brain chemistry, and the side effects are no joke.  They take a while to start working, and they take time to wean yourself off.  Stopping cold turkey means you could suddenly run out of the chemicals that allow you to feel happy.  This means all joy will be absent from your life.  ALL.  It's very hard to want to be alive without joy.  It's serious business with these, so don't play around or pretend you're ok.  Be 110% open with your doctor about how things are going when you're on these, and check in often with trusted friends and family.  Treating the brain chemistry issue is vitally important, even though it feels stupid to take a "feel-better" pill.

B. Therapy.  I hate therapy.  I'm not a feelings kind of person.  It feels dumb to pay someone to talk about your feelings, but it's important.  Feelings have sway on brain chemistry, and if you've already got a brain chemistry problem- having unhealthy emotional behaviors will only make things worse.  You need to talk to someone who can give you strategies to cope with the mental and emotional symptoms of Depression.  That's what therapy is.  If you're not getting that from your therapy, find a new therapist.

C.  There will be Changes.  I hate change, too.  But you wouldn't sit around eating twinkies if you were diagnosed with Diabetes, so you may as well accept that Depression will cause changes in your life.  This can be as small as making sure to go for a walk once a week, or as big as changing who you are at your core self.  Whatever the change, remember that change takes time and effort- mistakes will be made.  This is ok.  For me- I changed what I ate (made sure to eat foods that help produce more Serotonin, like turkey), got more exercise, and immersed myself in several hobbies.  Not everything will be positive, but it won't all be negative either.  I also dropped out of school, quit/lost my job, started writing for fun, and become an introvert (I used to be very extroverted).  Whatever the change, remember- life goes on.

In my next post I'll talk about several strategies to help climb out of an inevitable emotional/mental hole of symptoms.  After that, I'll talk about how to hang on to hope over long periods of time.  Let me know your thoughts in the comments, or tweet them to me @chrisrussmccall.