Thanks for Calling Comcast

Everyone has heard it.

"Thanks for calling Comcast, para continuar en espanol, oprima nueve.  How can I help you today?"

For most, it's the beginning of a long and terrible choose-your-own adventure where the only endings are frustration, rage, and misery.  You would think that I, being a being mostly fueled by sarcasm and grumpiness, would hate calling the dreaded 1-800 number.  Well, you'd be wrong.

Truth is, I love calling Comcast.  Not because they are particularly interesting or fun to talk to, but because it's like a game.  If you know the rules, and you have a strategy, and you have a chance to win- it's fun.  The problem is, most people don't know the rules.

Rule 1: Know who you're talking to.

Like most sales organizations, Comcast has different teams that have different goals and therefore different rules.  The automated attendant is very good at knowing who to send you to, and you have to choose wisely.  I've never worked for Comcast, but here are the three areas you are most likely to end up in:

- Sales
- "Tech Support"
- Customer Retention

Stock photos seem extra Comcast-y, don't you think?

First- Sales.  These guys and gals get most of the call traffic.  If you ask to downgrade your service, you end up here.  If you ask to switch something, you end up here.  If you have a technical question and the tech support folks are busy, you end up here.  The goal for this team is to sell you things.  They have hefty portions of their salary tied to making sure you buy something, which means they don't have to care what you need or want, they only have to get you to pull out the wallet.  If you need to sign up, these folks are the way to go, for anything else- steer clear.  You'll be wasting their time and yours.

"You have?  Ok, try turning it off, see what happens."

Second- "Tech Support."  I put this in quotes because generally if you know how to navigate the complex world of cable/internet/phone technical support, you wouldn't go look for a job as a phone agent.  You would get a job as the guy in the truck, or his boss, or his bosses boss.  So if you call in to Comcast for technical support- understand they only can do 3 things.  1. Have you reset your equipment.  2. Remotely reset your equipment  3. Schedule you an appointment with actual tech support (and convince you to pay for it).  Note- You should go in with the expectation that they have large chunks of their pay tied to making sure you pay for the tech support visit, so if you request one- be prepared to defend why you shouldn't have to pay.

We promise not to do that thing you hate ever ever again.  What was it again?

Third- Customer Retention.  Comcast calls this team "customer solutions."  This is the team that you are connected to when you tell the automated attendant that you want to cancel service (note- not "change service" or "reduce service."  You actually have to say "Cancel").  This team is not all that different from the other sales team, with one important exception.  Their money is tied to you not actually cancelling.  It is their job to find out if there is any hope of getting you to change your mind, and their retention rates have to be above a certain mark for them to earn their bonus (which is significant).  They are trained in negotiation, and keeping their emotions out of the discussion even when you don't.

Rule 2: Have a Plan

What is it you want from Comcast?  A cheaper bill?  Faster internet?  For Google Fiber to come to your city?  You need a plan.  Say you've been with Comcast for 12 months, and you forgot to call and change your plan and your promotional price just ran out.  Now they want you to pay $30-100 extra for the exact same service because it's been 12 months (and they want you to believe that time makes a difference).  You're mad, you want to cancel, but like most everyone, you don't really have another option (unless you happen to have local Fiber services available... lucky so and so's).  Well, contrary to what you might have realized- Comcast knows you have no other choice, and they only want you just satisfied enough to keep you from quitting the internet and television altogether (which for most of us, is pretty much never going to happen).

Sounds like a pretty unwinnable scenario right?  They know they have you, you have no choice, you go into dispair, give up all hope, and finally just pay the bill.

This is why people hate Comcast, because no one likes feeling powerless.  In this case, however- you might not be as powerless as you think.  Remember the "Customer Solutions" team?  If no one was ever cancelling, or if there was only lost causes cancelling, that team would not exist- so who are they convincing to stay?

Imagine you've completely had it, and are fueled by an overactive grumpy gland.  Imagine getting so annoyed with being pushed around by Comcast that you call and want to just cancel, no matter the consequences.  Come Hell or even CenturyLink- you're gone.

Dat eyebrow tho.

You dial, 1800-COMCAST, barely wait for the auto attendant to ask what she can do to help, you practically shout "CANCEL EVERYTHING" while breathing heavy into the mic.  The attendant tries to redirect you back to a salesperson, but you're set.  CANCEL CANCEL CANCEL.

Suddenly you're connected with a person on the customer solutions team.  They are friendly, they don't push- and they want to know why you want to cancel so "they can improve for the future."

All that pent up rage, all the furious arguing that you "don't want to pay for the box that let's you use the service that you also pay for" comes rushing out.  You spill the beans.  The voice on the other line is apologetic- "I'm so sorry that happened!"  FINALLY, someone who understands!  You feel justified, and the person offers to lower/change your bill in exchange for you staying.  Wow, they really want to keep my business- you think, maybe not everyone at Comcast is bad!  And the cycle begins again.

It's really quite sneaky/quite ingenious when you think about it.  They drive you to the brink- however long that takes- you bleeding money to them the whole time until you're ready to settle for anything that sort of resembles service.  For Comcast, its a win-win.  They make a huge profit, don't have to worry about their employees treating the customer poorly, and can settle to hire only small groups of semi- competent people at the bottom level (read: cheap).

Since your choices are limited, the only thing you can do is play their game, and turn the odds back in your favor.  Here's how:

1. If you want better service for your dime, don't talk to sales.  It's not in their best interest to give you anything better, because it makes them nothing.  Remember- this is business, so altruism and human kindness are not a part of the equation.  The only people who have something to gain when you do work in customer retention.

2. Go in ready to cancel if you have to (even if you don't want to).  You may get someone who wants to call your bluff, and let's face it- you can live without cable for a couple days.

3. Call to cancel, but be open to suggestions.  Be pleasant.  Say things like- "I really enjoy the service, I just can't seem to (insert thing you really want here)."  If they have a better plan available, be open to it.  Say things like "It would be great if there was a way to _______" or "I've always wished you guys had ________."  This kind of non-threatening negotiation lets the person on the other end understand what you really want, and since they are compensated to get you to stay- helps them feel successful.  Now that you have made them feel a positive emotion, you have the advantage.

4. Overask.  By this I mean if you are looking for a monthly payment of $80, ask for $60, but be willing to hear about the $90 plan too.  Be willing to compromise.  When they mention "better deals," perk up.  I was once offered double the channels, HD service, and triple the internet speed for an additional $10 just by being willing to ask.  Remember- if these guys can get you to stay, they will.  If they simply don't have something that fulfills what you're looking for, they won't.

5. Always pass on the free HBO/Showtime/Starz.  It's not why you called, why would you let it be used as enticement to stay?  Besides, if you take it, you will have to call and talk to someone again to cancel it when it shows up on your bill.  Then you'll be mad, and that gives them the advantage again.

6.  If all else fails, you have a choice.  You can stick it to them and cancel all or part of your service (I love cancelling cable and listening to them squirm- it pays them the most), or you can wait a month and try again.  They have new, unlisted "limited time only" deals all the time, and you can always call again later.  If nothing else, it's good practice for the next time you head over to the used car dealer.  Make it a game, and you just might win.

"I like's your moxy there kid.  How's about we'ze throw in 3 months of that there HBO?"