How to help your friend, family member, etc person who is depressed- a comprehensive guide. I wrote it to be informative and to the point, addressing all stages, outward symptoms, and outcomes- including suicide. I wrote it to help you, the non-depressed person, to better understand how to help.
Disclaimer- I'm [still] not a doctor. The advice I give in this post is based on my own experience and research. If a medical doctor, crisis expert, or other trusted source disagrees with me- listen to them. That being said, I've experienced all of the below stages and I understand depression really well.
According to the World Health Organization:
Globally, an estimated 350 million people of all ages suffer from depression. Depression is the leading cause of disability worldwide, and is a major contributor to the overall global burden of disease.
This means around 1 out of the 20 people you know has it. Globally.
It's 3rd on the list of top causes of disability worldwide. (W.H.O. Report: The Global Burden of Disease: Part 3).
Long story short? You know someone close to you with depression (you probably know more than one person). Over the course of your life, there is a good chance that you could go through it too. Like knowing basic first aid, CPR, or other life-saving measures- it's important to understand the stages of depression and how to help someone in each stage.
First- let's define each stage:
Early:
The person seems "off." They could have had something interrupt their life recently (like a death of someone close, tough breakup with significant other, or other emotional event), or it could be set off by something physical (pregnancy/birth, injury, environment change, etc). It can even be caused by nothing at all. Since depression is simply a lack of the right chemicals in the right amount in the brain- a lot of different things can set it off, and its severity can vary. Sometimes the brain can right itself- similar to the way you can feel better after a cathartic emotional release (a "good cry"). Other times it cannot, and depression can set in. What happens at the outset governs how severe it is in the remainder.
In the beginning the person might be standoffish, not wanting help for what is perceived to be a non-issue. It might be "all in their head" (brain chemistry usually is) or they might say things like "I'll get over it." Which is true. They might. Or they might not. In the early stage, it could still go either way. You might believe they "just need some time" or to "relax."
Middle:
This is when things begin to get questionable. There are public or private outbursts of emotion (ie- calling in the middle of the night crying, outbursts of anger over seemingly trivial things, etc). The depressed person begins to shut themselves off from the world, then the important parts of their life, and finally the important people. They might begin to miss work more often with mysterious illnesses. Their grades in school may slip. They might dress or act differently/more abrasive. Usually at this time they might (knowingly or unknowingly) try to cling to someone or something that isn't really equipped to handle their emotional baggage, rather than looking to the core relationships in their life for support (this is for fear of ruining the core relationships). The spiral downwards can be slow and methodical, or immediate and all-encompassing. At the bottom, the person will usually seek help of some kind- therapy, trusted friendships, crisis line, etc. This stage can drag on and on for years, or last only a few weeks.
Endgame:
Endgame is not a stage you should let anyone reach if at all possible. At this stage, a person contemplates taking their own life. There are only two possible outcomes- suicide or back to the middle. This can happen over and over, or just once (or never, hopefully). The thought of suicide is a learned thought pattern- meaning the more it's thought of, the easier it is to think of it. The danger here is obvious- thinking is only one step from acting.
This probably seems pretty intimidating, and since the consequences can be pretty serious- it's perfectly reasonable to feel that way. My goal with this post is to help you know how to respond in a way that will help, rather in ways that do more harm than good.
Early:
Like many diseases, the best time to help someone fend off a long-term depressed state is in the early stage. If you recognize someone struggling- the best thing to do in this stage is to build the relationship. In this stage, the brain likely hasn't solidified some of the learned paths toward negativity. Helping a person break out of a spiral could be as easy as listening, or might require more consistent effort. Sometimes depression is caused by negative events (like a death of a loved one)- which cannot be resolved. Avoid the temptation to leave someone alone or give them their space when you suspect depression might be setting in. Better to be a little annoying than to abandon a friend or family member to the less pleasant portions of this disease.
Here are a few examples of things you can do to help a friend in early stage depression:
- Help them talk through feelings and the chemistry of their emotions- positive action results in positive chemistry.
- Offer encouragement, respite, or consolation.
- Spend time with them, publicly or privately- whichever they prefer. Let them know by your actions that you will not give up on their happiness.
Middle:
This is when things get more difficult. In the middle, depression can really take a toll. The strategies that I just described become increasingly less effective- the more the brain loses balance of chemistry, the harder it is to fix. By this stage, learned negativity is likely more ingrained as thinking patterns in the brain that lead to negative thoughts are used more and more. Coming in and telling someone to think positive won't help anymore- they physically can't. Your goal as someone who wants to help must change to accommodate the new symptoms. You must become more adaptable forgiving, and 100% trustworthy.
Also worth noting that doing things that were effective in the early stages is an exercise in futility in the middle stages.
Here are a few effective strategies for helping someone in the middle stages:
- Right out of the gate- you have to lose your stigma, prejudice, or judgments. They may be as real and valid as the sun in the sky- but they have absolutely no place in the middle stages of depression.
- Help them admit they have a disease and should seek treatment. Say the words- "Depression is a physical condition with mental and emotional symptoms. Better to find out if you're sick than risk facing the symptoms alone. Go to the Doctor."
- Don't discount the difficulty of their situation, no matter how easy the hurdle may seem from your perspective. Remember- their brain is fighting them on every front, with waves of sadness and negativity caused by chemicals they can't change by "trying harder."
- There is a fine line between letting someone be alone to recharge and letting them be alone to wallow in depression. Find the line.
- Take away some of the stress-causers in their life to help promote some positivity. Helping with the basics can mean the world for someone with depression. Think- what would I do for my friend if I found out they had Cancer? Once you decide on something, do it.
- Find a way to forgive. Your friend is sick. They might suck to be around until they can get better.
Endgame:
If you find out someone has been/is actively thinking of suicide- there is only one goal. Delay, delay, delay. Crossing over into endgame depression is always temporary. Someone is suicidal for a time, and they either end it or cross back into the middle. Get them to the middle. There is no wrong way to getting someone back from the brink. Your singular focus should be to save their life by not letting them go through with it. I've been there and back by myself- and it's very dangerous. It was the vivid memory of pleading words by a grieving grandmother who had just lost a son (my uncle) to suicide that brought me back. I was lucky. She probably has no idea.
Here are some examples of strategies that have either worked for me or for people I know well in getting their loved one back from the edge- again, the point here is to do whatever it takes.
- First and foremost- if a person is 'on the edge' (literally or figuratively), immediate, professional help is no longer optional. Call for help, call the police/paramedics, do whatever it takes, but don't do it by yourself.
If a person is not on the edge, but considering suicide as an option- here are ways to help:
- Professional help is no longer an option. You may not need to call the police, but a medical doctor is needed right away.
- Make no promise you cannot or don't intend to keep. If a person's brain is fighting against them, a false promise will only stave off suicide short-term. It will also do nothing to help the person get back to the middle, and eventually out altogether.
- Explain that help is available, right now. A single positive action can release the right chemicals into the brain to stave off suicide.
- I once stayed with a friend for several days while their suicidal thoughts subsided. He already had professional help, but it was not enough. It wasn't hard to convince him- "I'm here because you shouldn't have to go through this alone- and you WILL get through it."
- Someone close to me once called the police and the parents of a best friend who had confided in her about being suicidal. Ruined their friendship, probably saved a life.
I hope this post has been helpful/informative. Let me know what questions/comments you have and I'll do my best to answer/address them.
Monday, December 21, 2015
Saturday, December 19, 2015
Throw JJ Abrams to a Rancor and Let Me Watch That Instead- Why I Hate the New Star Wars
Warning. This post is about Star Wars: The Force Awakens. It contains spoilers that will utterly ruin all surprises in the movie. If you have not seen it yet- stop reading now and go see it before I ruin it for you.
And I will ruin it. Completely. This post is seriously full of spoilers.
Last chance to stop reading....
Dumbledore kills Picard!
Ok. Now that those of you who haven't seen it yet are gone, let me tell you why the new Star Wars movie is worse than what they did to us with the Phantom Menace.
Reason #1: Character believe-ability & plot continuity
This is the best place to start because it's the most overreaching portion of the film that is lacking. We meet several brand new, core characters in the first few minutes of the film- Ren, Po, BB8, and mysterious, seemingly important old man character who is immediately killed- to name a few. We meet these people in quick succession- with no idea of who is really who- or why they are important.
This is especially true for Po- it's clear he is a good starfighter on a mission with the rebellion/resistance (rebellion? wha- no. wait for that rant)... and that's about it. He is captured and force-mind raped for information, and that's all we know. Where's the backstory? Details? Anything?
We also meet Fin (though at the time he is just random wimpy stormtrooper #FNblahblahc6t766). This is where the disasters really begin. In his first scene- a fellow stormtrooper is shot by a blaster and dies in Fin's arms. There is some blood (I thought blasters immediately cauterized wounds?), and it gets on Fin's helmet, making him look cool. This apparently shakes Fin to his core, but we can't really tell why. Why is he such an emotional wreck? He's a stormtrooper after all- who we later find out was raised from birth to do battle. We're supposed to believe that killing innocents or having a fellow stormtrooper die in battle makes him crack and want to betray the only life he's ever known? When did he have the opportunity to learn to feel sorry for following orders? When and how did he get a moral center when he was raised and programmed to be brutal and merciless?
These problems continue, as Fin breaks Po out (right, I believe that there are no alarms for Kylo Ren's prisoners, and all stormtroopers in the First Order are given 100% access to all areas of the ship all the time). Not only does Po not seem very surprised, he goes along with the fact that a Stormtrooper is breaking him out- fleeing the only life he has ever known- for no other reason than Fin "needs a pilot." When they don't get blown up by a laser hit (what?), they crash instead. Then Po disappears and the TIE fighter they stole sinks ... into sand... (but neither Fin nor Po sink into the magic scary sand).
During this time we also meet Rey, who has a very strong sympathy streak for droids- despite being a scavenger and also slowly starving to death. We quickly learn that despite her poverty and life of ruin, she has managed to learn everything technical there is about spaceships of every kind, and how to fly them (despite not owning a spaceship and not having ever left Jakku since being a small child).
These kind of problems are plentiful in the beginning, and continue as the film progresses.
Reason #2: The big question that never gets answered- (many spoilers...)
What happened? Our favorite characters have all changed. A lot. Age, I can believe, it's been a long time. What I can't believe is the explanations for personality changes. Let's face it- Han Solo has become a blubbering, sad, old man. He apparently spends his elder years -after doing a large portion of the whole, defeating the Empire thing- hiding from his problems and his family on a junky, pirate space freighter. All because his son turned to the dark side? Under Luke's guidance? Instead of handling his problems he relies more and more on "simple tricks and nonsense," but lacks the gruff determination to succeed. He's not the kind of Han who would shoot first. He's a shell of his former self- almost comic relief. He dies a pointless, fruitless death at the hands of his son, while he begs for him to come home.
It's heartbreaking and maddening to watch. How did the great Han Solo get to a point where he begs anyone for anything? The wayward child of the Han I know would not get "asked" to come home. He would get knocked unconscious and dragged home- force or no force. His mother is also a blubbering wreck- rather than the strong, overcome-all-odds Leah that we know so well. She wouldn't have stood for it either. Ren would have never had the chance to become as evil as he is, because the first sign of misbehavior would be met with a rogue-ish wallop from dad and scathing lecture from mom. If nothing else, Luke has experience getting even the most hardened Sith Lords to turn back to the light- he should have been able to do something, right? More on Luke in a minute.
"Pew-pew-pew-pew"
-Han Solo, responding to the dark side by discharging his blaster in greeting to the last Sith he ever encountered (his soon-to-be father in law)
"Please, come home"
-Han Solo, apparently senile in his old age, tries to get his dark-side son back to the light by getting stabbed. At least Chewy still gets it. PEW-PEW!
All these character issues pale in comparison to what has happened to Luke. I'm supposed to believe that Luke, who took down the Emperor by turning his Sith Father back to the Light, is going to sit on an island somewhere in Scotland while his failed prodigy burns down the galaxy? While everything good he has worked for his entire life is destroyed? He- being the one person in the universe with the qualifications to stop the awful dark side mess? So rather than helping, he lets his family get ripped apart so he can brood somewhere on planet Loch-Ness. He lets the republic get destroyed, the First Order to rise to power and his best friend and brother in law Han to get killed.
"It's not that I love the Empire I hate it, but there's nothing I can do about it right now..."
- Luke, right before doing something about the Empire
"........................?"
- Luke, searching for Nessie while the galaxy burns
No. This is unforgivable. It ruins the original trilogy in the same way little prequel Anakin ruined the fear of Darth Vader. Han's coolness, Leah's resolve, Luke's courage- all now tainted. At least Darth Vader died doing something noble. Han died begging when he should have been punching- and now I want Luke to die for cowardice.
Reason #3: Things that just make no [insert swearing] sense:
- Luke's lightsaber? The blue one? The one that fell a billion feet in cloud city with his cut off arm?
- Speaking of the lightsaber- both Rey and Fin seem to have a pretty keen knowledge of how to use it despite having never seen or used one before. Either that or Ren really sucks at using his. But I guess Rey just knows everything, after all- she's an expert pilot/orphan/child laborer/scavenger/droid rights activist/Millennium Falcon mechanic.
- Speaking of The Millennium Falcon- it starts right up after being "junk" for 10 years?
- Speaking of the Falcon starting up, how come the hyperdrive works? It NEVER works.
- Speaking of hyperspace- why is Han so worried about not telling Leah about his plan to jump through the shield before cutting the hyperdrive? Wouldn't the "best pilot in the galaxy" Po, be able to complete a similar maneuver, taking the First order by surprise? It might be risky, but no more than say- attacking a weapon planet.
- Speaking of the First Order, how does no one seem to know about Starkiller Base until a lone stormtrooper suddenly has a crisis of conscience? Why did no one go- HEY THAT PLANET HAS A GUN ON IT AND IT'S EATING STARS! I don't buy the implied secrecy bit, especially since the First Order is not the controlling governing body in the Galaxy like the Emperor was with the Death Star.
- Speaking of controlling governing bodies- why is there a need for the rebellion/resistance still? The republic was re-formed, right? Why does the rebellion need to exist? Why is the republic not openly fighting the First Order?
- Speaking of fighting against the First Order- Captain Phasma. She makes no sense whatsoever. Sure, I'm the leader in this here order, and I know how to turn off the shields, but I'm not suppos- What's that- a blaster? In my face? I've never had to stare down one of those before! Scary! I'll just go ahead and commit high treason and be the downfall of everything I stand for. Then I will stop being in the movie. I guess the scene of her being actually put into the trash compacter was too hard to make, so JJ just had the actors talk about it instead.
- Speaking of trash compactors- since when do trained stormtroopers work in sanitation? Don't they have like, shooting practice? Maybe Fin learned his compassion on the back of a garbage truck while his stormtrooper buddies all went off to kill children.
- Speaking of killing children, this movie killed my childhood.
Since I now have to wait until 2017 to see the next installment of this "story," I'll be over here in the corner, quietly killing off my inner fanboy.
WHY IS C-3PO's ARM RED?
Let the angry comments begin!
And I will ruin it. Completely. This post is seriously full of spoilers.
Last chance to stop reading....
Dumbledore kills Picard!
Ok. Now that those of you who haven't seen it yet are gone, let me tell you why the new Star Wars movie is worse than what they did to us with the Phantom Menace.
Reason #1: Character believe-ability & plot continuity
This is the best place to start because it's the most overreaching portion of the film that is lacking. We meet several brand new, core characters in the first few minutes of the film- Ren, Po, BB8, and mysterious, seemingly important old man character who is immediately killed- to name a few. We meet these people in quick succession- with no idea of who is really who- or why they are important.
This is especially true for Po- it's clear he is a good starfighter on a mission with the rebellion/resistance (rebellion? wha- no. wait for that rant)... and that's about it. He is captured and force-mind raped for information, and that's all we know. Where's the backstory? Details? Anything?
We also meet Fin (though at the time he is just random wimpy stormtrooper #FNblahblahc6t766). This is where the disasters really begin. In his first scene- a fellow stormtrooper is shot by a blaster and dies in Fin's arms. There is some blood (I thought blasters immediately cauterized wounds?), and it gets on Fin's helmet, making him look cool. This apparently shakes Fin to his core, but we can't really tell why. Why is he such an emotional wreck? He's a stormtrooper after all- who we later find out was raised from birth to do battle. We're supposed to believe that killing innocents or having a fellow stormtrooper die in battle makes him crack and want to betray the only life he's ever known? When did he have the opportunity to learn to feel sorry for following orders? When and how did he get a moral center when he was raised and programmed to be brutal and merciless?
These problems continue, as Fin breaks Po out (right, I believe that there are no alarms for Kylo Ren's prisoners, and all stormtroopers in the First Order are given 100% access to all areas of the ship all the time). Not only does Po not seem very surprised, he goes along with the fact that a Stormtrooper is breaking him out- fleeing the only life he has ever known- for no other reason than Fin "needs a pilot." When they don't get blown up by a laser hit (what?), they crash instead. Then Po disappears and the TIE fighter they stole sinks ... into sand... (but neither Fin nor Po sink into the magic scary sand).
During this time we also meet Rey, who has a very strong sympathy streak for droids- despite being a scavenger and also slowly starving to death. We quickly learn that despite her poverty and life of ruin, she has managed to learn everything technical there is about spaceships of every kind, and how to fly them (despite not owning a spaceship and not having ever left Jakku since being a small child).
These kind of problems are plentiful in the beginning, and continue as the film progresses.
Reason #2: The big question that never gets answered- (many spoilers...)
What happened? Our favorite characters have all changed. A lot. Age, I can believe, it's been a long time. What I can't believe is the explanations for personality changes. Let's face it- Han Solo has become a blubbering, sad, old man. He apparently spends his elder years -after doing a large portion of the whole, defeating the Empire thing- hiding from his problems and his family on a junky, pirate space freighter. All because his son turned to the dark side? Under Luke's guidance? Instead of handling his problems he relies more and more on "simple tricks and nonsense," but lacks the gruff determination to succeed. He's not the kind of Han who would shoot first. He's a shell of his former self- almost comic relief. He dies a pointless, fruitless death at the hands of his son, while he begs for him to come home.
It's heartbreaking and maddening to watch. How did the great Han Solo get to a point where he begs anyone for anything? The wayward child of the Han I know would not get "asked" to come home. He would get knocked unconscious and dragged home- force or no force. His mother is also a blubbering wreck- rather than the strong, overcome-all-odds Leah that we know so well. She wouldn't have stood for it either. Ren would have never had the chance to become as evil as he is, because the first sign of misbehavior would be met with a rogue-ish wallop from dad and scathing lecture from mom. If nothing else, Luke has experience getting even the most hardened Sith Lords to turn back to the light- he should have been able to do something, right? More on Luke in a minute.
"Pew-pew-pew-pew"
-Han Solo, responding to the dark side by discharging his blaster in greeting to the last Sith he ever encountered (his soon-to-be father in law)
"Please, come home"
-Han Solo, apparently senile in his old age, tries to get his dark-side son back to the light by getting stabbed. At least Chewy still gets it. PEW-PEW!
All these character issues pale in comparison to what has happened to Luke. I'm supposed to believe that Luke, who took down the Emperor by turning his Sith Father back to the Light, is going to sit on an island somewhere in Scotland while his failed prodigy burns down the galaxy? While everything good he has worked for his entire life is destroyed? He- being the one person in the universe with the qualifications to stop the awful dark side mess? So rather than helping, he lets his family get ripped apart so he can brood somewhere on planet Loch-Ness. He lets the republic get destroyed, the First Order to rise to power and his best friend and brother in law Han to get killed.
"It's not that I love the Empire I hate it, but there's nothing I can do about it right now..."
- Luke, right before doing something about the Empire
"........................?"
- Luke, searching for Nessie while the galaxy burns
No. This is unforgivable. It ruins the original trilogy in the same way little prequel Anakin ruined the fear of Darth Vader. Han's coolness, Leah's resolve, Luke's courage- all now tainted. At least Darth Vader died doing something noble. Han died begging when he should have been punching- and now I want Luke to die for cowardice.
Reason #3: Things that just make no [insert swearing] sense:
- Luke's lightsaber? The blue one? The one that fell a billion feet in cloud city with his cut off arm?
- Speaking of the lightsaber- both Rey and Fin seem to have a pretty keen knowledge of how to use it despite having never seen or used one before. Either that or Ren really sucks at using his. But I guess Rey just knows everything, after all- she's an expert pilot/orphan/child laborer/scavenger/droid rights activist/Millennium Falcon mechanic.
- Speaking of The Millennium Falcon- it starts right up after being "junk" for 10 years?
- Speaking of the Falcon starting up, how come the hyperdrive works? It NEVER works.
- Speaking of hyperspace- why is Han so worried about not telling Leah about his plan to jump through the shield before cutting the hyperdrive? Wouldn't the "best pilot in the galaxy" Po, be able to complete a similar maneuver, taking the First order by surprise? It might be risky, but no more than say- attacking a weapon planet.
- Speaking of the First Order, how does no one seem to know about Starkiller Base until a lone stormtrooper suddenly has a crisis of conscience? Why did no one go- HEY THAT PLANET HAS A GUN ON IT AND IT'S EATING STARS! I don't buy the implied secrecy bit, especially since the First Order is not the controlling governing body in the Galaxy like the Emperor was with the Death Star.
- Speaking of controlling governing bodies- why is there a need for the rebellion/resistance still? The republic was re-formed, right? Why does the rebellion need to exist? Why is the republic not openly fighting the First Order?
- Speaking of fighting against the First Order- Captain Phasma. She makes no sense whatsoever. Sure, I'm the leader in this here order, and I know how to turn off the shields, but I'm not suppos- What's that- a blaster? In my face? I've never had to stare down one of those before! Scary! I'll just go ahead and commit high treason and be the downfall of everything I stand for. Then I will stop being in the movie. I guess the scene of her being actually put into the trash compacter was too hard to make, so JJ just had the actors talk about it instead.
- Speaking of trash compactors- since when do trained stormtroopers work in sanitation? Don't they have like, shooting practice? Maybe Fin learned his compassion on the back of a garbage truck while his stormtrooper buddies all went off to kill children.
- Speaking of killing children, this movie killed my childhood.
Since I now have to wait until 2017 to see the next installment of this "story," I'll be over here in the corner, quietly killing off my inner fanboy.
WHY IS C-3PO's ARM RED?
Let the angry comments begin!
Friday, December 4, 2015
How to Deal with Depression Long-Term
*Edit: changed the title, it was annoying me.
As promised: A practical approach to "holding on to hope" when you have Depression
As promised: A practical approach to "holding on to hope" when you have Depression
Let it be noted that I am not a doctor of psychiatric care, and if your symptoms are so bad you find yourself in a crisis, don't be an idiot- get some help immediately. There are things that can be done to help your brain chemistry immediately, and I like I talked about in my last post- momentum is everything. That being said, I've lived this for close to 10 years. I've been on all sides of this disease, seen all the potential symptoms and experienced all but one personally (the worst one, obviously).
No, little coffee drinking, hat wearing, google-eyed dog, it isn't.
A Google search for "How to cope when you have depression" yielded hundreds of thousands of sappy, emotional articles which all pretty much say the same thing: "If you're depressed, just try and hold on to hope, or the possibility of hope, or even the possibility that hope could someday exist again in your life." or "All is not lost, it's not as bad as it seems" etc etc.
This is idiotic.
Now before you start YouTube-style rage commenting, pay attention.
Hope is a feeling- a positive, joy-related one- and even in the best brain situations... good feelings can be fleeting. Depression is a condition where the chemicals that let you feel joy-related feeling are in low quantities, or nearly non-existent. This means the chemicals that induce negativity reign supreme. Many of these articles say things like "it will get better" and "hang on," but offer no advice on the process by which someone who is chemically unable to feel hope should take to survive/change their symptoms.
Shut up. You don't even have thumbs, cat!
To those of you reading who are fortunate enough to never have felt the effects of Depression- it's like when someone tells you to stop crying. You can suppress the tears, but the feeling takes time to go away (aka, your brain takes time to re-balance your chemistry). Telling someone whose brain is not releasing enough chemicals to induce hope, joy, or even motivation to be hopeful, have joy, or get to work is an exercise in futility.
So how can you maintain hope when your brain doesn't have any to offer?
Simple: start doing things that force your brain to offer some up (and start re-balancing your chemicals).
A lot of people with depression run around wildly searching for ways to make themselves feel better. Some turn to addictive behaviors- like drugs, sex, or violence. Others seek some pseudo-scientific therapeutic emotional cleansing- like circling up to talk about feelings with strangers. Not to say that these kinds of things don't help to bring balance to many people, but with regards to my depression I found these activities to be mostly emotionally taxing and largely irritating. Others turn to emotional dumps- running from friend to friend for lengthy, tear-filled conversations that the friend is unlikely to understand or appreciate.
In truth, I've tried all these things (well, not the drugs, sex or violence parts), and for me- they did nothing to solve the long-term issue. I wanted a step by step process to get better, not the promise of healing followed by an hour of endlessly searching for an emotional reason for my physical problem.
It's very frustrating. Everyone wants to point to an event in your life that caused your depression, as if knowing the cause fixes the current issue. That's like going to a cancer ward, holding up a pack of Marlboro's and saying "YOU GUYS! GOOD NEWS! WE KNOW WHAT CAUSED YOUR CANCER, YOU CAN ALL GO HOME!" Gee, thanks.
So, enough ranting- what can you do to start re-balancing your brain chemistry and work your way towards recovery long-term? There are 4 rules for long-term success, when combined with the short-term strategies I detailed in my last post:
1: From this time forward, you will not feel guilty for anything negative caused by your depression. This will take some practice, and you should try and compartmentalize things caused by the disease and things you should feel guilty for, like if you punch someone, pretend to have symptoms on a good day, or steal things. You will not feel guilty for needing to take time to recharge, slipping down a depression symptom hole, missing a deadline, being grumpy, not being there for someone else when they needed you, anything. You are sick. There are consequences. If they are truly caused by your disease, they are not your fault. Period. Placate publicly if you must (you probably will have to), but internally you will feel no guilt for it. You don't have room in your brain for more negativity.
2: You now live in the present. You don't worry about the past, and you don't worry about the future. This will also take practice. Since you are never sure when you won't have enough of the right chemicals in your brain to have a normal day, you need to start focusing on the now. I spend a lot of my time internally asking- "how am I feeling now?" This will help you better self diagnose and act before things get bad, rather than trying to pick up the pieces later.
3: Accept your current mental state and work with what you have. Don't fight it by yelling inside your own head. Feeling miserable? Do things that make you feel less miserable. Feeling angry? Channel it into something positive. Stop trying to make instant brain chemistry changes by sitting and arguing in your own mind. Whatever you can do to improve, DO. Whatever you can't do, don't worry about. I remember a job I took cleaning a building at 5AM. One of my symptoms was insomnia. I would go to work many times feeling very negative after not sleeping at all the previous night. I learned to channel the negativity into motivation through sarcasm. OH OF COURSE SOMEONE PUT A HANDPRINT ON THE WINDOW I JUST CLEANED. It wasn't always pretty, but it kept me at a job for as long as I needed it to.
4. All advice about your depression is subject to your own analysis. This one is important. You know what's going on in your head. Your friends, your family, your teacher, the homeless guy who tells you to "cheer up"- all have your best interest in mind, but it isn't in YOUR mind. You make the decisions about what advice to take, and what advice to ignore. *note: this does not apply to the advice given to you by your MD. #note 2: if you're wondering about the homeless guy- I gave him a dollar, told him "No" and kept walking.
Making these rules a part of your life will help your brain to re-balance. It also helps you survive the storm of symptoms and gives you a better chance to not slip into symptom vacuums. It does take practice. Keep at it.
In my next post, I think I will talk about how folks without depression can help a person they know who has it. It's not as tricky as it might seem.
Thursday, December 3, 2015
Climbing out of a Depression Symptom Spiral
Apparently my last post struck a chord with some folks, so -as promised- here is how to climb out of a Depression symptom spiral.
First- here's what I mean by symptom hole:
You've felt the joy shift, and the experiences that used to make you happy now give you nothing, mediocre experiences make you miserable, and on down the line. Hopefully you've sought help and got a diagnoses from a Doctor (a real one, WebMD doesn't count), but if you're stubborn like me you probably haven't. Either way, you're clearly experiencing something and you feel really weird.
The weirdness tends to spiral downwards. You start off thinking you're just going through a rough patch, then you lose interest in things you used to love- and generally you find yourself just coasting or just sitting around in your free time. You don't try as hard in work or school or whatever, cause what's the point? Pretty soon you start to see some consequences from not keeping up with life- you fail a test, your boss calls you in to see if you're ok after you are sick for several days in a row, your significant other wants to "talk about us" a lot more, etc. This sends you on a spiral of increasing anxiety, motivation crisis, and you stop taking care of larger and larger portions of your life. You may wonder why life is so terrible right now, and you probably have actual legitimate reasons for feeling bad at this point- maybe you got fired, maybe you got dumped, maybe someone you love died, whatever. Experiences affect brain chemistry just as much as random deficiencies do- the cause is of little import at this point. You're in a hole, a rut, a mire, you're having a breakdown, a crisis, or a meltdown. Whatever you want to call it you're clearly screwed.
Here's how to get out:
When you have no joy producing chemicals, or even just less than normal- you're motivation is shot. Everything is 100x harder- taking a shower is like being asked to run a marathon, going to work is like climbing Everest, and social situations are actually impossible. It doesn't matter that these activities are physically easy, because your brain doesn't have the correct chemical capacity to get your physical body to expend energy properly. You know getting a shower is easy and you should have no problem doing it, and you're right! If you weren't sick, you wouldn't have any problem. Just because your symptoms aren't physical, but mental and emotional, doesn't mean you don't have a physical malady.
This is step one. Accept that you are sick, and stop beating yourself up over it. No amount of willpower will increase Serotonin and Dopamine production in your brain- that's like trying to use sheer power of mind to cure cancer. It might get you through the day for awhile, but you will eventually need to find a way to get rid of the cancer.
Step two is to start small. Maybe facing the day is impossible, but sitting up in bed while you watch Netflix isn't. Ask yourself- what's something I can do? Once you've binge watched your favorite show for a while you might even have have the motivation to do something else hard- like take a shower and get dressed. If you don't, no worries. Netflix has lots of hours of things to watch, just don't go backward unless you absolutely have to. The idea is to do small, possible tasks, starting with the most basic and working outward. Maybe that shower gives you the motivation to do some dishes, or eat a healthy breakfast full of brain food. Maybe that action gets you to drive to work or school. Maybe then your brain starts getting more of the chemicals it needs because of all your positive effort. Maybe not, too- so feel free to stop the effort if you need to. Celebrate the victories, however small. You aren't trying to impress others with this (clearly- there isn't an Olympic event for Netflix binges), you are trying to increase the good chemicals in your brain by activating the electrical impulses along thought paths with positive chemical results. It will seem stupid, but so does swallowing a bad tasting pill to get rid of a headache if you don't understand the processes behind it. I once made a cake to celebrate the fact that I walked all the way to class before turning around at the door and going straight back to bed. I made it to class the rest of that week.
Step three: Build momentum when you can, relax and rebuild when you can't. If you're in deep, severe symptom spirals, it doesn't make sense to expend huge amounts of mental effort for small gains. That's like buying stock when it's way up- it's not likely to pay off. Better to spend your effort in places that will make things better in the future. Spend the little energy you have on taking care of yourself and your family, and work outward until you can't anymore. Then stop, and relax.
Sometimes you will have days where things seem "normal" again. Maybe you and your doctor found the right combination of treatments and things are going to improve from then on, or maybe you're just having a good day. Regardless- be sure to take advantage. Get as much done as you can. Use all the motivation you have until it's gone. You'll be amazed at yourself, and that helps build positive momentum, and improves your brain chemistry. One of the biggest blessings of my life has been learning how to "make hay while the sun shines." I'm really good at it, and you will be too if you practice.
Here's an example of how this strategy works for me, written as if you were in my head:
Wake up. Not happy, thinking about facing the day sounds impossible. Mope for a minute, then think of something I can do, rather than something impossible. I can sit up- that's the only thing that sounds possible. Much effort, but I am now sitting up. What else can I do? Maybe a walk to the bathroom isn't so bad, plus I can bring my phone and play a game on it while I wait for the shower to heat up. SHOWER?! I CAN'T SHOWER THAT'S TOO HARD! THAT MEANS FACING THE DAY! relax, you don't have to shower. Just turn it on to feel the steam and play on your phone. Pretty soon its steamy in the bathroom, and a shower sounds ok, at least the water will be warm. Ok, a shower, then back to bed. .... .... ok, the shower feels nice, but I'm getting bored. May as well get dressed, I did shower after all. EH, I don't feel so terrible anymore, I can probably have breakfast, and after that I can decide what to do. Breakfast was good, I feel ok. I can drive to work, driving is easy, plus- if I don't feel well, I can always just drive home and let my boss know while I'm at it. He'll like that I showed up, even if I don't stay. Well, I'm at work. I don't feel terrible right now, and I don't have to talk to anyone if I just sit at my desk. I can probably work today if I text Katie a lot, plus I only have one meeting to get through, and I'll go out for lunch as a reward. I DID IT. THE WHOLE DAY IS DONE AND NOW I GET TO GO HOME. BAM! NETFLIX AND A NAP HERE I COME. I'll do a couple dishes before Netflix time, maybe a load of laundry too since I'm on such a roll today. Whew, now I'm tired. Netflix and a nap.
Even if things don't go perfectly, with this mindset you can retreat anytime you feel you can't go on without getting down on yourself. You met all your goals, no matter how far you made it towards a normal day. Maybe all you can muster is to roll over and call in sick, but hey- that's something! It takes practice, but after a while you will get better at doing more with less energy, and you will find that you get through more bad days unscathed by the consequences of not taking care of yourself.
First- here's what I mean by symptom hole:
You've felt the joy shift, and the experiences that used to make you happy now give you nothing, mediocre experiences make you miserable, and on down the line. Hopefully you've sought help and got a diagnoses from a Doctor (a real one, WebMD doesn't count), but if you're stubborn like me you probably haven't. Either way, you're clearly experiencing something and you feel really weird.
The weirdness tends to spiral downwards. You start off thinking you're just going through a rough patch, then you lose interest in things you used to love- and generally you find yourself just coasting or just sitting around in your free time. You don't try as hard in work or school or whatever, cause what's the point? Pretty soon you start to see some consequences from not keeping up with life- you fail a test, your boss calls you in to see if you're ok after you are sick for several days in a row, your significant other wants to "talk about us" a lot more, etc. This sends you on a spiral of increasing anxiety, motivation crisis, and you stop taking care of larger and larger portions of your life. You may wonder why life is so terrible right now, and you probably have actual legitimate reasons for feeling bad at this point- maybe you got fired, maybe you got dumped, maybe someone you love died, whatever. Experiences affect brain chemistry just as much as random deficiencies do- the cause is of little import at this point. You're in a hole, a rut, a mire, you're having a breakdown, a crisis, or a meltdown. Whatever you want to call it you're clearly screwed.
Here's how to get out:
When you have no joy producing chemicals, or even just less than normal- you're motivation is shot. Everything is 100x harder- taking a shower is like being asked to run a marathon, going to work is like climbing Everest, and social situations are actually impossible. It doesn't matter that these activities are physically easy, because your brain doesn't have the correct chemical capacity to get your physical body to expend energy properly. You know getting a shower is easy and you should have no problem doing it, and you're right! If you weren't sick, you wouldn't have any problem. Just because your symptoms aren't physical, but mental and emotional, doesn't mean you don't have a physical malady.
This is step one. Accept that you are sick, and stop beating yourself up over it. No amount of willpower will increase Serotonin and Dopamine production in your brain- that's like trying to use sheer power of mind to cure cancer. It might get you through the day for awhile, but you will eventually need to find a way to get rid of the cancer.
Step two is to start small. Maybe facing the day is impossible, but sitting up in bed while you watch Netflix isn't. Ask yourself- what's something I can do? Once you've binge watched your favorite show for a while you might even have have the motivation to do something else hard- like take a shower and get dressed. If you don't, no worries. Netflix has lots of hours of things to watch, just don't go backward unless you absolutely have to. The idea is to do small, possible tasks, starting with the most basic and working outward. Maybe that shower gives you the motivation to do some dishes, or eat a healthy breakfast full of brain food. Maybe that action gets you to drive to work or school. Maybe then your brain starts getting more of the chemicals it needs because of all your positive effort. Maybe not, too- so feel free to stop the effort if you need to. Celebrate the victories, however small. You aren't trying to impress others with this (clearly- there isn't an Olympic event for Netflix binges), you are trying to increase the good chemicals in your brain by activating the electrical impulses along thought paths with positive chemical results. It will seem stupid, but so does swallowing a bad tasting pill to get rid of a headache if you don't understand the processes behind it. I once made a cake to celebrate the fact that I walked all the way to class before turning around at the door and going straight back to bed. I made it to class the rest of that week.
Step three: Build momentum when you can, relax and rebuild when you can't. If you're in deep, severe symptom spirals, it doesn't make sense to expend huge amounts of mental effort for small gains. That's like buying stock when it's way up- it's not likely to pay off. Better to spend your effort in places that will make things better in the future. Spend the little energy you have on taking care of yourself and your family, and work outward until you can't anymore. Then stop, and relax.
Sometimes you will have days where things seem "normal" again. Maybe you and your doctor found the right combination of treatments and things are going to improve from then on, or maybe you're just having a good day. Regardless- be sure to take advantage. Get as much done as you can. Use all the motivation you have until it's gone. You'll be amazed at yourself, and that helps build positive momentum, and improves your brain chemistry. One of the biggest blessings of my life has been learning how to "make hay while the sun shines." I'm really good at it, and you will be too if you practice.
Here's an example of how this strategy works for me, written as if you were in my head:
Wake up. Not happy, thinking about facing the day sounds impossible. Mope for a minute, then think of something I can do, rather than something impossible. I can sit up- that's the only thing that sounds possible. Much effort, but I am now sitting up. What else can I do? Maybe a walk to the bathroom isn't so bad, plus I can bring my phone and play a game on it while I wait for the shower to heat up. SHOWER?! I CAN'T SHOWER THAT'S TOO HARD! THAT MEANS FACING THE DAY! relax, you don't have to shower. Just turn it on to feel the steam and play on your phone. Pretty soon its steamy in the bathroom, and a shower sounds ok, at least the water will be warm. Ok, a shower, then back to bed. .... .... ok, the shower feels nice, but I'm getting bored. May as well get dressed, I did shower after all. EH, I don't feel so terrible anymore, I can probably have breakfast, and after that I can decide what to do. Breakfast was good, I feel ok. I can drive to work, driving is easy, plus- if I don't feel well, I can always just drive home and let my boss know while I'm at it. He'll like that I showed up, even if I don't stay. Well, I'm at work. I don't feel terrible right now, and I don't have to talk to anyone if I just sit at my desk. I can probably work today if I text Katie a lot, plus I only have one meeting to get through, and I'll go out for lunch as a reward. I DID IT. THE WHOLE DAY IS DONE AND NOW I GET TO GO HOME. BAM! NETFLIX AND A NAP HERE I COME. I'll do a couple dishes before Netflix time, maybe a load of laundry too since I'm on such a roll today. Whew, now I'm tired. Netflix and a nap.
Even if things don't go perfectly, with this mindset you can retreat anytime you feel you can't go on without getting down on yourself. You met all your goals, no matter how far you made it towards a normal day. Maybe all you can muster is to roll over and call in sick, but hey- that's something! It takes practice, but after a while you will get better at doing more with less energy, and you will find that you get through more bad days unscathed by the consequences of not taking care of yourself.
Wednesday, December 2, 2015
Depression Sucks and Other Lessons
I've been meaning to write about this for a while. I was diagnosed with depression in 2008. I didn't understand it, and never really had it explained to me before I was blind-sided by it. I've learned a lot since then, and I'm thinking it might be time to write it all down, hopefully it might be helpful to someone.
Lesson #1: Depression Sucks.
It sucks the joy out of everything good, and amplifies the misery in everything else. It shifts the spectrum of how you feel about things downward.
Got a good grade on a test? Best case scenario with depression is that you won't feel anything (the normal reaction for something nominal, like taking a shower). Worst case, you feel guilty and miserable because you ruined the curve for everyone else, or any number of other illogical negative thoughts.
Slightly late for work? Yikes, that's mildly negative! Now all you will be able to think about is being a failure to everyone you ever cared about, and how you're a worthless human being. Since this is the normal reaction you would get for doing something horrifying, like running over an old lady... on purpose... it's safe to say something not normal is going on.
This shift holds true for everything. Things that used to make you feel good, now make you feel nothing. Things that made you feel average now make you feel bad. Bad things make you feel catastrophic. Catastrophic things now make you suicidal (which isn't a normal reaction to anything, and is quite scary the first time). Happiness becomes like a drug, and (like an addict) you start searching for anything that gives you a small bit of joy, and the rest of your life just feels like withdrawal symptoms. It sucks.
Lesson #2: Depression is a Physical Illness of the Brain, with Mental and Emotional Symptoms
Make no mistake, depression is a disease of the brain. It has nothing to do with your character, commitments, or lack thereof. Its causes are physical, but the symptoms are mental and emotional. I'm not a doctor, but I've met with a lot of them- here's how it was best explained to me in the simplest possible terms (I apologize to my neuroscience friends in advance for the following explanation):
Your brain is just a bunch of special cells- neurons and dendrites. Neurons act like gateways for electrical impulses that tell your body and brain to do things (like a switch). Dendrites are like the wires connecting the switches, and together they make synapses (pathways). These pathways let you learn different things, and the better the path, the better you've learned something.
Certain chemicals help these pathways work properly, especially the ones that trigger feelings of joy. Get an A on a test, you get the chemical that triggers the happy feelings. Go on a date with that special someone? Bam, joy chemicals. Depression is simply a lack of enough of these chemicals where they are supposed to be. You do the activity, but the joy part doesn't get activated, or barely gets activated. A physical problem that causes a mental and emotional response.
Lesson #3: Depression is Treatable.
If you are depressed, you are not doomed. In the iconic words of Oscar Goldman:
Gentlemen, we can rebuild him. We have the technology.
Just as you would any other chronic condition, Depression needs to be attacked on several fronts to be successful. Here's what worked for me:
A. Careful use of prescription SSRI's with careful monitoring from a Medical Doctor. SSRI stands for Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitor. It blocks the joy chemical (Seratonin) in your brain from being snatched up after a neuron fires, meaning the brain's supply of Serotonin doesn't disappear as fast. Be careful with these. They mess with brain chemistry, and the side effects are no joke. They take a while to start working, and they take time to wean yourself off. Stopping cold turkey means you could suddenly run out of the chemicals that allow you to feel happy. This means all joy will be absent from your life. ALL. It's very hard to want to be alive without joy. It's serious business with these, so don't play around or pretend you're ok. Be 110% open with your doctor about how things are going when you're on these, and check in often with trusted friends and family. Treating the brain chemistry issue is vitally important, even though it feels stupid to take a "feel-better" pill.
B. Therapy. I hate therapy. I'm not a feelings kind of person. It feels dumb to pay someone to talk about your feelings, but it's important. Feelings have sway on brain chemistry, and if you've already got a brain chemistry problem- having unhealthy emotional behaviors will only make things worse. You need to talk to someone who can give you strategies to cope with the mental and emotional symptoms of Depression. That's what therapy is. If you're not getting that from your therapy, find a new therapist.
C. There will be Changes. I hate change, too. But you wouldn't sit around eating twinkies if you were diagnosed with Diabetes, so you may as well accept that Depression will cause changes in your life. This can be as small as making sure to go for a walk once a week, or as big as changing who you are at your core self. Whatever the change, remember that change takes time and effort- mistakes will be made. This is ok. For me- I changed what I ate (made sure to eat foods that help produce more Serotonin, like turkey), got more exercise, and immersed myself in several hobbies. Not everything will be positive, but it won't all be negative either. I also dropped out of school, quit/lost my job, started writing for fun, and become an introvert (I used to be very extroverted). Whatever the change, remember- life goes on.
In my next post I'll talk about several strategies to help climb out of an inevitable emotional/mental hole of symptoms. After that, I'll talk about how to hang on to hope over long periods of time. Let me know your thoughts in the comments, or tweet them to me @chrisrussmccall.
Lesson #1: Depression Sucks.
Got a good grade on a test? Best case scenario with depression is that you won't feel anything (the normal reaction for something nominal, like taking a shower). Worst case, you feel guilty and miserable because you ruined the curve for everyone else, or any number of other illogical negative thoughts.
Slightly late for work? Yikes, that's mildly negative! Now all you will be able to think about is being a failure to everyone you ever cared about, and how you're a worthless human being. Since this is the normal reaction you would get for doing something horrifying, like running over an old lady... on purpose... it's safe to say something not normal is going on.
This shift holds true for everything. Things that used to make you feel good, now make you feel nothing. Things that made you feel average now make you feel bad. Bad things make you feel catastrophic. Catastrophic things now make you suicidal (which isn't a normal reaction to anything, and is quite scary the first time). Happiness becomes like a drug, and (like an addict) you start searching for anything that gives you a small bit of joy, and the rest of your life just feels like withdrawal symptoms. It sucks.
Lesson #2: Depression is a Physical Illness of the Brain, with Mental and Emotional Symptoms
Make no mistake, depression is a disease of the brain. It has nothing to do with your character, commitments, or lack thereof. Its causes are physical, but the symptoms are mental and emotional. I'm not a doctor, but I've met with a lot of them- here's how it was best explained to me in the simplest possible terms (I apologize to my neuroscience friends in advance for the following explanation):
Your brain is just a bunch of special cells- neurons and dendrites. Neurons act like gateways for electrical impulses that tell your body and brain to do things (like a switch). Dendrites are like the wires connecting the switches, and together they make synapses (pathways). These pathways let you learn different things, and the better the path, the better you've learned something.
Certain chemicals help these pathways work properly, especially the ones that trigger feelings of joy. Get an A on a test, you get the chemical that triggers the happy feelings. Go on a date with that special someone? Bam, joy chemicals. Depression is simply a lack of enough of these chemicals where they are supposed to be. You do the activity, but the joy part doesn't get activated, or barely gets activated. A physical problem that causes a mental and emotional response.
Lesson #3: Depression is Treatable.
If you are depressed, you are not doomed. In the iconic words of Oscar Goldman:
Gentlemen, we can rebuild him. We have the technology.
Just as you would any other chronic condition, Depression needs to be attacked on several fronts to be successful. Here's what worked for me:
A. Careful use of prescription SSRI's with careful monitoring from a Medical Doctor. SSRI stands for Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitor. It blocks the joy chemical (Seratonin) in your brain from being snatched up after a neuron fires, meaning the brain's supply of Serotonin doesn't disappear as fast. Be careful with these. They mess with brain chemistry, and the side effects are no joke. They take a while to start working, and they take time to wean yourself off. Stopping cold turkey means you could suddenly run out of the chemicals that allow you to feel happy. This means all joy will be absent from your life. ALL. It's very hard to want to be alive without joy. It's serious business with these, so don't play around or pretend you're ok. Be 110% open with your doctor about how things are going when you're on these, and check in often with trusted friends and family. Treating the brain chemistry issue is vitally important, even though it feels stupid to take a "feel-better" pill.
B. Therapy. I hate therapy. I'm not a feelings kind of person. It feels dumb to pay someone to talk about your feelings, but it's important. Feelings have sway on brain chemistry, and if you've already got a brain chemistry problem- having unhealthy emotional behaviors will only make things worse. You need to talk to someone who can give you strategies to cope with the mental and emotional symptoms of Depression. That's what therapy is. If you're not getting that from your therapy, find a new therapist.
C. There will be Changes. I hate change, too. But you wouldn't sit around eating twinkies if you were diagnosed with Diabetes, so you may as well accept that Depression will cause changes in your life. This can be as small as making sure to go for a walk once a week, or as big as changing who you are at your core self. Whatever the change, remember that change takes time and effort- mistakes will be made. This is ok. For me- I changed what I ate (made sure to eat foods that help produce more Serotonin, like turkey), got more exercise, and immersed myself in several hobbies. Not everything will be positive, but it won't all be negative either. I also dropped out of school, quit/lost my job, started writing for fun, and become an introvert (I used to be very extroverted). Whatever the change, remember- life goes on.
In my next post I'll talk about several strategies to help climb out of an inevitable emotional/mental hole of symptoms. After that, I'll talk about how to hang on to hope over long periods of time. Let me know your thoughts in the comments, or tweet them to me @chrisrussmccall.
Monday, July 13, 2015
Migraine
(Poke, poke, poke.)
Uh oh.
This is how it begins. A feeling like someone is poking the back of my eyeball with their finger. Not a hard poke, nothing painful- just a light tap as if to say- "Pardon me sir- if you have a moment, you may want to find the Excedrin." If I ignore it, it will go away. Probably.
(Twitch, twitch, twitch.)
Huh. There goes the eyelid. This is getting annoying. I have work to do, I don't have time for a migraine today. Go back to being normal, brain and everything will be fi-(TWITCH TWITCH TWITCH)-. AHhhhh. STAHP! I'm taking the Excedrin just relax! Wonder why my vision is all blurry today?
(WHUMP WHUMP WHUMP)
Ok, OW. This is becoming a real problem. How am I supposed to focus with this sort of (WHUMP WHUMP WHUMP) pounding? Maybe I should think about some caffeine or (WHUMP WHUMP WHUMP) ... ow... lying down. Dangit! I had so much to get done today. Ok, maybe I will try to lie d- (WHUMPWHUMPWHUMPWHUMPWHUMPWHUMPWHUMPWHUMPWHUMPWHUMP)
I hate migraines.
Uh oh.
This is how it begins. A feeling like someone is poking the back of my eyeball with their finger. Not a hard poke, nothing painful- just a light tap as if to say- "Pardon me sir- if you have a moment, you may want to find the Excedrin." If I ignore it, it will go away. Probably.
(Twitch, twitch, twitch.)
Huh. There goes the eyelid. This is getting annoying. I have work to do, I don't have time for a migraine today. Go back to being normal, brain and everything will be fi-(TWITCH TWITCH TWITCH)-. AHhhhh. STAHP! I'm taking the Excedrin just relax! Wonder why my vision is all blurry today?
(WHUMP WHUMP WHUMP)
Ok, OW. This is becoming a real problem. How am I supposed to focus with this sort of (WHUMP WHUMP WHUMP) pounding? Maybe I should think about some caffeine or (WHUMP WHUMP WHUMP) ... ow... lying down. Dangit! I had so much to get done today. Ok, maybe I will try to lie d- (WHUMPWHUMPWHUMPWHUMPWHUMPWHUMPWHUMPWHUMPWHUMPWHUMP)
I hate migraines.
Tuesday, June 30, 2015
Thanks for Calling Comcast
Everyone has heard it.
"Thanks for calling Comcast, para continuar en espanol, oprima nueve. How can I help you today?"
For most, it's the beginning of a long and terrible choose-your-own adventure where the only endings are frustration, rage, and misery. You would think that I, being a being mostly fueled by sarcasm and grumpiness, would hate calling the dreaded 1-800 number. Well, you'd be wrong.
Truth is, I love calling Comcast. Not because they are particularly interesting or fun to talk to, but because it's like a game. If you know the rules, and you have a strategy, and you have a chance to win- it's fun. The problem is, most people don't know the rules.
Rule 1: Know who you're talking to.
Like most sales organizations, Comcast has different teams that have different goals and therefore different rules. The automated attendant is very good at knowing who to send you to, and you have to choose wisely. I've never worked for Comcast, but here are the three areas you are most likely to end up in:
- Sales
- "Tech Support"
- Customer Retention
First- Sales. These guys and gals get most of the call traffic. If you ask to downgrade your service, you end up here. If you ask to switch something, you end up here. If you have a technical question and the tech support folks are busy, you end up here. The goal for this team is to sell you things. They have hefty portions of their salary tied to making sure you buy something, which means they don't have to care what you need or want, they only have to get you to pull out the wallet. If you need to sign up, these folks are the way to go, for anything else- steer clear. You'll be wasting their time and yours.
Second- "Tech Support." I put this in quotes because generally if you know how to navigate the complex world of cable/internet/phone technical support, you wouldn't go look for a job as a phone agent. You would get a job as the guy in the truck, or his boss, or his bosses boss. So if you call in to Comcast for technical support- understand they only can do 3 things. 1. Have you reset your equipment. 2. Remotely reset your equipment 3. Schedule you an appointment with actual tech support (and convince you to pay for it). Note- You should go in with the expectation that they have large chunks of their pay tied to making sure you pay for the tech support visit, so if you request one- be prepared to defend why you shouldn't have to pay.
Third- Customer Retention. Comcast calls this team "customer solutions." This is the team that you are connected to when you tell the automated attendant that you want to cancel service (note- not "change service" or "reduce service." You actually have to say "Cancel"). This team is not all that different from the other sales team, with one important exception. Their money is tied to you not actually cancelling. It is their job to find out if there is any hope of getting you to change your mind, and their retention rates have to be above a certain mark for them to earn their bonus (which is significant). They are trained in negotiation, and keeping their emotions out of the discussion even when you don't.
Rule 2: Have a Plan
What is it you want from Comcast? A cheaper bill? Faster internet? For Google Fiber to come to your city? You need a plan. Say you've been with Comcast for 12 months, and you forgot to call and change your plan and your promotional price just ran out. Now they want you to pay $30-100 extra for the exact same service because it's been 12 months (and they want you to believe that time makes a difference). You're mad, you want to cancel, but like most everyone, you don't really have another option (unless you happen to have local Fiber services available... lucky so and so's). Well, contrary to what you might have realized- Comcast knows you have no other choice, and they only want you just satisfied enough to keep you from quitting the internet and television altogether (which for most of us, is pretty much never going to happen).
Sounds like a pretty unwinnable scenario right? They know they have you, you have no choice, you go into dispair, give up all hope, and finally just pay the bill.
This is why people hate Comcast, because no one likes feeling powerless. In this case, however- you might not be as powerless as you think. Remember the "Customer Solutions" team? If no one was ever cancelling, or if there was only lost causes cancelling, that team would not exist- so who are they convincing to stay?
Imagine you've completely had it, and are fueled by an overactive grumpy gland. Imagine getting so annoyed with being pushed around by Comcast that you call and want to just cancel, no matter the consequences. Come Hell or even CenturyLink- you're gone.
You dial, 1800-COMCAST, barely wait for the auto attendant to ask what she can do to help, you practically shout "CANCEL EVERYTHING" while breathing heavy into the mic. The attendant tries to redirect you back to a salesperson, but you're set. CANCEL CANCEL CANCEL.
Suddenly you're connected with a person on the customer solutions team. They are friendly, they don't push- and they want to know why you want to cancel so "they can improve for the future."
All that pent up rage, all the furious arguing that you "don't want to pay for the box that let's you use the service that you also pay for" comes rushing out. You spill the beans. The voice on the other line is apologetic- "I'm so sorry that happened!" FINALLY, someone who understands! You feel justified, and the person offers to lower/change your bill in exchange for you staying. Wow, they really want to keep my business- you think, maybe not everyone at Comcast is bad! And the cycle begins again.
It's really quite sneaky/quite ingenious when you think about it. They drive you to the brink- however long that takes- you bleeding money to them the whole time until you're ready to settle for anything that sort of resembles service. For Comcast, its a win-win. They make a huge profit, don't have to worry about their employees treating the customer poorly, and can settle to hire only small groups of semi- competent people at the bottom level (read: cheap).
Since your choices are limited, the only thing you can do is play their game, and turn the odds back in your favor. Here's how:
1. If you want better service for your dime, don't talk to sales. It's not in their best interest to give you anything better, because it makes them nothing. Remember- this is business, so altruism and human kindness are not a part of the equation. The only people who have something to gain when you do work in customer retention.
2. Go in ready to cancel if you have to (even if you don't want to). You may get someone who wants to call your bluff, and let's face it- you can live without cable for a couple days.
3. Call to cancel, but be open to suggestions. Be pleasant. Say things like- "I really enjoy the service, I just can't seem to (insert thing you really want here)." If they have a better plan available, be open to it. Say things like "It would be great if there was a way to _______" or "I've always wished you guys had ________." This kind of non-threatening negotiation lets the person on the other end understand what you really want, and since they are compensated to get you to stay- helps them feel successful. Now that you have made them feel a positive emotion, you have the advantage.
4. Overask. By this I mean if you are looking for a monthly payment of $80, ask for $60, but be willing to hear about the $90 plan too. Be willing to compromise. When they mention "better deals," perk up. I was once offered double the channels, HD service, and triple the internet speed for an additional $10 just by being willing to ask. Remember- if these guys can get you to stay, they will. If they simply don't have something that fulfills what you're looking for, they won't.
5. Always pass on the free HBO/Showtime/Starz. It's not why you called, why would you let it be used as enticement to stay? Besides, if you take it, you will have to call and talk to someone again to cancel it when it shows up on your bill. Then you'll be mad, and that gives them the advantage again.
6. If all else fails, you have a choice. You can stick it to them and cancel all or part of your service (I love cancelling cable and listening to them squirm- it pays them the most), or you can wait a month and try again. They have new, unlisted "limited time only" deals all the time, and you can always call again later. If nothing else, it's good practice for the next time you head over to the used car dealer. Make it a game, and you just might win.
"Thanks for calling Comcast, para continuar en espanol, oprima nueve. How can I help you today?"
For most, it's the beginning of a long and terrible choose-your-own adventure where the only endings are frustration, rage, and misery. You would think that I, being a being mostly fueled by sarcasm and grumpiness, would hate calling the dreaded 1-800 number. Well, you'd be wrong.
Rule 1: Know who you're talking to.
Like most sales organizations, Comcast has different teams that have different goals and therefore different rules. The automated attendant is very good at knowing who to send you to, and you have to choose wisely. I've never worked for Comcast, but here are the three areas you are most likely to end up in:
- Sales
- "Tech Support"
- Customer Retention
Stock photos seem extra Comcast-y, don't you think?
First- Sales. These guys and gals get most of the call traffic. If you ask to downgrade your service, you end up here. If you ask to switch something, you end up here. If you have a technical question and the tech support folks are busy, you end up here. The goal for this team is to sell you things. They have hefty portions of their salary tied to making sure you buy something, which means they don't have to care what you need or want, they only have to get you to pull out the wallet. If you need to sign up, these folks are the way to go, for anything else- steer clear. You'll be wasting their time and yours.
"You have? Ok, try turning it off, see what happens."
Second- "Tech Support." I put this in quotes because generally if you know how to navigate the complex world of cable/internet/phone technical support, you wouldn't go look for a job as a phone agent. You would get a job as the guy in the truck, or his boss, or his bosses boss. So if you call in to Comcast for technical support- understand they only can do 3 things. 1. Have you reset your equipment. 2. Remotely reset your equipment 3. Schedule you an appointment with actual tech support (and convince you to pay for it). Note- You should go in with the expectation that they have large chunks of their pay tied to making sure you pay for the tech support visit, so if you request one- be prepared to defend why you shouldn't have to pay.
We promise not to do that thing you hate ever ever again. What was it again?
Third- Customer Retention. Comcast calls this team "customer solutions." This is the team that you are connected to when you tell the automated attendant that you want to cancel service (note- not "change service" or "reduce service." You actually have to say "Cancel"). This team is not all that different from the other sales team, with one important exception. Their money is tied to you not actually cancelling. It is their job to find out if there is any hope of getting you to change your mind, and their retention rates have to be above a certain mark for them to earn their bonus (which is significant). They are trained in negotiation, and keeping their emotions out of the discussion even when you don't.
Rule 2: Have a Plan
What is it you want from Comcast? A cheaper bill? Faster internet? For Google Fiber to come to your city? You need a plan. Say you've been with Comcast for 12 months, and you forgot to call and change your plan and your promotional price just ran out. Now they want you to pay $30-100 extra for the exact same service because it's been 12 months (and they want you to believe that time makes a difference). You're mad, you want to cancel, but like most everyone, you don't really have another option (unless you happen to have local Fiber services available... lucky so and so's). Well, contrary to what you might have realized- Comcast knows you have no other choice, and they only want you just satisfied enough to keep you from quitting the internet and television altogether (which for most of us, is pretty much never going to happen).
Sounds like a pretty unwinnable scenario right? They know they have you, you have no choice, you go into dispair, give up all hope, and finally just pay the bill.
This is why people hate Comcast, because no one likes feeling powerless. In this case, however- you might not be as powerless as you think. Remember the "Customer Solutions" team? If no one was ever cancelling, or if there was only lost causes cancelling, that team would not exist- so who are they convincing to stay?
Imagine you've completely had it, and are fueled by an overactive grumpy gland. Imagine getting so annoyed with being pushed around by Comcast that you call and want to just cancel, no matter the consequences. Come Hell or even CenturyLink- you're gone.
Dat eyebrow tho.
You dial, 1800-COMCAST, barely wait for the auto attendant to ask what she can do to help, you practically shout "CANCEL EVERYTHING" while breathing heavy into the mic. The attendant tries to redirect you back to a salesperson, but you're set. CANCEL CANCEL CANCEL.
Suddenly you're connected with a person on the customer solutions team. They are friendly, they don't push- and they want to know why you want to cancel so "they can improve for the future."
All that pent up rage, all the furious arguing that you "don't want to pay for the box that let's you use the service that you also pay for" comes rushing out. You spill the beans. The voice on the other line is apologetic- "I'm so sorry that happened!" FINALLY, someone who understands! You feel justified, and the person offers to lower/change your bill in exchange for you staying. Wow, they really want to keep my business- you think, maybe not everyone at Comcast is bad! And the cycle begins again.
It's really quite sneaky/quite ingenious when you think about it. They drive you to the brink- however long that takes- you bleeding money to them the whole time until you're ready to settle for anything that sort of resembles service. For Comcast, its a win-win. They make a huge profit, don't have to worry about their employees treating the customer poorly, and can settle to hire only small groups of semi- competent people at the bottom level (read: cheap).
Since your choices are limited, the only thing you can do is play their game, and turn the odds back in your favor. Here's how:
1. If you want better service for your dime, don't talk to sales. It's not in their best interest to give you anything better, because it makes them nothing. Remember- this is business, so altruism and human kindness are not a part of the equation. The only people who have something to gain when you do work in customer retention.
2. Go in ready to cancel if you have to (even if you don't want to). You may get someone who wants to call your bluff, and let's face it- you can live without cable for a couple days.
3. Call to cancel, but be open to suggestions. Be pleasant. Say things like- "I really enjoy the service, I just can't seem to (insert thing you really want here)." If they have a better plan available, be open to it. Say things like "It would be great if there was a way to _______" or "I've always wished you guys had ________." This kind of non-threatening negotiation lets the person on the other end understand what you really want, and since they are compensated to get you to stay- helps them feel successful. Now that you have made them feel a positive emotion, you have the advantage.
4. Overask. By this I mean if you are looking for a monthly payment of $80, ask for $60, but be willing to hear about the $90 plan too. Be willing to compromise. When they mention "better deals," perk up. I was once offered double the channels, HD service, and triple the internet speed for an additional $10 just by being willing to ask. Remember- if these guys can get you to stay, they will. If they simply don't have something that fulfills what you're looking for, they won't.
5. Always pass on the free HBO/Showtime/Starz. It's not why you called, why would you let it be used as enticement to stay? Besides, if you take it, you will have to call and talk to someone again to cancel it when it shows up on your bill. Then you'll be mad, and that gives them the advantage again.
6. If all else fails, you have a choice. You can stick it to them and cancel all or part of your service (I love cancelling cable and listening to them squirm- it pays them the most), or you can wait a month and try again. They have new, unlisted "limited time only" deals all the time, and you can always call again later. If nothing else, it's good practice for the next time you head over to the used car dealer. Make it a game, and you just might win.
"I like's your moxy there kid. How's about we'ze throw in 3 months of that there HBO?"
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